musings | what i want

i was thinking the other day that it might be beneficial to think about the things i want. my hopes, my goals, my needs. what's in my way? money of course. time. laziness? but writing them down has helped (and yes, i realize some of them are a bit greedy and hypocritical but they make sense to me).

a new lap top

a new couch

more organization

to worry less

less stress

to write more letters

a house

a car

to feel like i'm going somewhere

an almost but not quite full time job in the arts

more free time

less clutter

to see my friends who live far away

to learn new skills and crafts

less guilt

more space

less things

more stationery sales

to file things

to plan art exhibitions

two children (maybe three)

uplifting, natural light

new dresses

less pants

more wholesale card orders

to spend more time with my brothers

to eat better

to know how to cook

to exercise more

to live near the water

to live near a big city

to spend time with my son

a craft room or studio space

to spend more time with friends

a real christmas tree

more print sales each month

fashion | purging & building a closet

throughout the entire time i was pregnant, i was thinking about clothes in the back of my mind.

well, i was thinking about clothes in the front of my mind too, since fewer pieces fit as my tummy grew larger. though you can bet i was thanking my lucky stars that previous to pregnancy, i wore a lot of loose, empire, and a-line dresses. no jeans! i made it through nine months with only the purchase of three new dresses from the asos maternity line, and a couple stretchy tees and tanks that my mother bought me. 

but i kept thinking about what kind of wardrobe i wanted to have when my body was back to normal. with the arrival of a baby, i started to think more and more about clutter and minimalism. being a minimalist is not a lifestyle i have committed to - but i'm becoming more aware of things i really need, and the clothing i actually wear.

have you every gone through your closet and tried figure out what should make the cut? it is incredibly difficult! i don't consider myself a pack rat, or even overly nostalgic. i do however, suffer from a bit of "what if i need this one day?"which means i imagine wearing each and every item at some unclear date in the future.

i have a clear vision of what i want my closet to consist of, but before i get to that lists, here are my questions to ask yourself when whittling down your closet:

one | when did you wear it last?

this can be tricky when it comes to seasonal clothes but think about when you wore the item last. i've often seen a one year (even a two year) rule. but i think it's probably best to adhere to a six month rule. if it's may and you're pondering a pair of shorts (which i never would because i don't own any shorts ;) then sure, think back to last summer. but for non seasonal or recent seasonal definitely donate it if you didn't wear it. be ruthless and try to avoid sentiment.

two | but did you like wearing it?

more importantly, if you did wear it in the last six months, think about whether you felt good in it. in looking back at dresses from last spring and summer, i definitely remember wearing them. but many were too short, and others made me feel fat all day long. if you don't feel good and confident in your clothing, don't keep it.

three | does it follow your rules?

i've noticed that a lot of my dresses are too short. and for a long time i put up with it because that's what is on trend. but it doesn't suit me and makes me feel incredibly self conscious! now that i've found a dressmaker that offers longer lengths, i'm not going to settle for less. so rule number one is that all future frocks must be of a length i feel comfortable in. the rest are below. what rules will you develop your closet around? think about it and stick to it (careful, spontaneity and sales will deter you!)

four | did you put it away for a bit?

definitely put aside clothes you intend to donate. in fact, that pile should be huge when you are done this exercise! but go ahead and put that stack of clothes aside for one week. when the week is up, go through it (quickly!) and do a quick review. here you're looking for items that you will truly regret if you get rid of them. but you still need to be as ruthless as you were the first time.

five |  do you intend to repair or alter it?

maybe you do. but have you yet? and will you in the future? i have pants with safety pins, dresses with loose threads, shirts with missing buttons, and necklines i'm hoping to change. but it's been months and i still haven't fixed them. which is ridiculous because i have a sewing machine, thread and even a bag full of buttons. so it stands to reason that if you are not motivated to repair a piece, maybe you just don't like it that much. 

i've included a list below of clothes i've purchased over the past three months. at first it was sort of confusing for me because i need to reckon the things i wanted to wear (and eventually will need to when i go back to work), with the things it's more realistic to wear while taking care of a baby all day. 

so i'm going to have a bit of a bi polar closet. and that's really okay because both styles are still me. i love to put on a neatly ironed dress when i leave the house (whether for work, social outings or just errands). but i also love to slip into a tank top and yoga pants when i get home. so my new hard and fast rules look like this

structure in going out pieces

loose fit in staying in shirts

below knee or tea length

no cleavage (though it's sometimes hard to avoid)

alines, empire, highlight the waist, hide the hips

a mid century modern feel

celebrate femininity

ballet flats and birkenstocks for casual

mary jane heels for parties

riding and victorian style boots in winter

in example...

p.s. these dresses are from eshakti. i am in love with this site. it's a perfect fit for my style and they allow you to customize the sleeves, the neckline and the length! the prices are excellent and every time you purchase you receive a gift card for next time. if you would like $35 off your first purchase, just drop me a line: patience[at]isavirtue[dot]net

baby | "sleep when the baby sleeps"

i've been thinking about this post for awhile. but i didn't feel any sort of rush to put it up because i knew the subject of sleep would remain an issue for quite some time. i thought the illustration below, from jenny highsmith's instagram, was very appropriate for the first few months of raising a newborn. if you didn't already know, it's a play on the beatles lyrics "all you need is love." and yes, love is very very important. how i feel about my husband and my son has definitely gotten me through the long days and nights of the past six weeks. but what i really need...is some sleep.

everyone's answer to this age old complaint is "sleep when the baby sleeps!" now, i don't begrudge them for this advice. but i'm going to take a moment to explain exactly why that is impossible (for me and my baby anyways).

evening:

my husband gets home at 6 pm. he likes to have half an hour to unwind or read a book - no problem. i wouldn't want to be accosted with a screaming child the moment i walk in the door either. he's always super excited to see jackson though, so that's twenty points in his favour. he usually plays with jackson from 6:30 to 8 pm - this gives me exactly an hour and a half to clean the entire apartment, put in a load of laundry, take out the garbage and recycling, do the previous night's dishes, eat dinner, pack up etsy orders, and take a shower if time warrants (or i am desperately dirty).

the baby is fed around 8:00 pm and finishes at 8:30. most evenings, jon will do this feeding and i express some milk and hop into bed. other times, i nurse, and jon does the "routine" (wait for digestion, diaper change, put on pj's, and rock to sleep). the routine takes anywhere from thirty minutes to one hour. unfortunately jon doing the feeding does not save me time (expressing still takes twenty minutes). i can never fall asleep right away, and the hardest time to do so is at nine pm. first, because i've hit my second wind by this time and am essentially forcing myself to sleep. and also, because the baby is usually crying and i feel guilty.* if i have gone to bed, i'm usually asleep by 10:15 pm.

however, if an hour and a half is not enough time to complete the aforementioned list (and goodness knows it never is), then i do not go to bed until after the midnight feeding.

night time:

although 11:30 or midnight never used to feel that late to me (in university i remember ordering pizza and beginning essays at that hour), pretty much any time you go to bed and are forced awake by a grunting or screaming infant two-three hours later...isn't going to feel refreshing. jackson is usually back in his bassinet (in our room) by 1:30, though again, it takes me at least half an hour to get back to sleep.

awake again at 3:15 am. same routine, different (ungodly) hour. back in bed by 4:30...though now we are getting closer to morning so it's not as easy for him to fall asleep. did i mention he generally only falls asleep in our arms? so i hold him and pace around the apartment for 20-30 minutes. then i drop him ever so gently into the bassinet. i won't even describe to you the anguish i feel when i put him down and BAM, his eyes open and he's awake. the pacing begins again (funnily enough, during the day he has no problem falling asleep while i watch tv or read a book but at night he likes to be "walked").

***insert what i call "the period of unpredictability." if we're going by the schedule, the next feeding time should be 6:45. but more often that not he also wakes at 5:30 (do the math, if he's back in bed at 4:30 and it takes me thirty minutes to fall asleep...i've just gained a grand total of 30 minutes of stage one sleep).***

day time:
i am most tired at 6:45 am when he is ready for his third (fourth??) feeding of the day. but is he sleepy now? no, not at all. he is lively as can be - cooing up the most adorable storm that would generally have me in smiles that reach to my ears. but mostly i'm just trying not to fall asleep on top of him while he eats.
a subset of day time sleep entitled naps:
jackson falls asleep a lot during the day - he is still a newborn after all. about ninety percent of the time these little siestas take place in a car seat, stroller, wearable carrier, or in our arms. occasionally he will also sleep in a bouncer chair.
it is my understanding that a good mother doesn't take a nap while her child sleeps in a stroller, car seat or bouncey chair. it's not safe right? and sleeping while he's in my arms, or in a sling just isn't possible.

should you remove him from any of these apparently delightful scenarios - he will wake, and usually cry.




i've tried every once in awhile to swaddle him up and put him in the bassinet like it's night time but he knows it's not, he rarely falls asleep like this in the day...and if he does, i never know how long it's going to be for. and honestly i'm not sure i want him to confuse day and night. i think on some level i realize we are lucky and that maybe he sleeps better than most babies at night, or falls asleep quicker.

fifteen mins down i usually remember i've forgotten to put my mouth guard in. that, combined with a reeling thought process and the sheer pressure to fall asleep means that i cannot.


thus i conclude that it is near impossible to "sleep when the baby sleeps."



and that dear friends, is how we are sleeping.

baby | my husband and support systems

the caption for the above photo is as follows:
in july 2013, jon started growing something - and so did i! i grew a baby for nine months, and he grew a moustache! in celebration of jackson's arrival - he finally shaved it off. i guess it was good luck as little j has all ten fingers and ten toes...and a little moustache of his own apparently!

i have been incredibly lucky over the past five weeks. i always knew my husband would make an excellent father, i just didn't know the extent of it. while "being a mother" and taking care of a teeny tiny baby feels so new to me (of course it does!), jonathan seems to be an old pro. while watching him i could swear he has done it all before. and the funniest part is that i'm the one who did the endless reading, googling and product research. but jon is so natural - at all of it.

the other night he was feeding jackson a bottle and the little guy kept falling asleep. so after a few tries, he got up and went to change him. when he came back i said "how did you know to do that? the books i read suggest changing the baby's diaper if he's falling asleep because that almost always wakes him up. but how did you know to do that?" and he said "i just did."
well okay then.

jon also taught me how to diaper, how to open and close the stroller, how to strap the sniff into the car seat and even memorized all the tips and tricks for breastfeeding (and gently reminds me of them when i get frustrated). 

but it's more than that - it's his whole attitude. through all the crying and fussing, he is so patient/calm/zen/understanding...use whatever word you like, i've yet to see him flip his lid. plus he works all day and then comes home and plays/changes/feeds the baby. he even lets me sleep whenever i can.

when jackson and i are home together all day, i definitely take a page from jon's play book. and like jon, the page says "he's just a little baby, he's just crying to try and tell us what he wants. he's not trying to frustrate us on purpose."

my mother has also been amazing. which is great because one of the reasons we moved back to ontario was to be closer to our families when we started a family. my mum is a neo natal nurse and takes care of premies at her job. so it's awesome to be able to ask her anything about babies. she's also super relaxed about it all and often talks me down when i start to worry about something. every week she has been bringing us food or allowing us time to sleep or go out while she watches jack. and don't get me started on all the cute baby clothes!

i'm very lucky and want to give major props to all the single mothers out there. it's definitely important to have a support system.

one sweet thing: after spending time with the baby, jon and i have noticed something. when he comes home from work he says "hi sniff! hi schmoo mama!" and i say:

"my god your head is big."

and now jon is noticing it too. we stare at jackson so much that when we look up at each other, we can't help but notice how large each other's noggins are. like...kind of grossly, annoyingly humongous!

baby | cliches & repetition

before i joined the ranks of parents around the world, i had heard all the cliches. 

"you won't be getting any sleep!"

"you should rest now, you won't be able to once the baby is born!"

"you'll never stop doing laundry!"

"it's a full time job!"

"get ready for some dirty diapers!"

"the time when they are so little will be gone so fast!"

but i've realized now that there is a huge difference between hearing something, and understanding it as the truth. i feel like i should have asked questions when these cliches arose; i should have delved deeper. for example: 

"why don't you get to sleep?"

"will i not have time to read a book or work at my computer?"

"like how often am i actually washing clothes?"

"why does everyone mention diapers so much?"

"won't every hour feel like it's inching by with a baby?"

and now i know the answers: you don't get to sleep because the baby needs to be fed every few hours. during the day you are a constant sentinel. and when he does sleep, you never know whether it's for twenty minutes or two hours. you might be able to find 5 minute increments and you may even find a way to use two hands but for the most part, the baby just wants to be held. you are washing clothes every other day (that's just the baby's stuff). going through three or more outfits in a day is totally normal - plus burp cloths, towels, sheets etc. diapers feel all consuming because you do it more than ten times a day - and ya, it's kind of gross. surprisingly, although time seems to tick by slowly when you are trying to calm a fussy baby, you are so consumed with keeping it alive and getting to "The Next Thing That Will Calm" that suddenly it's a week later. and then another week, and then another.

speaking of the next thing, holy goodness repetition city yo. i feed this little sniff, and then i change him. then i put new clothes on him, then cuddle or talk or soothe. and then it's time to feed again followed by...you guessed it - more changing! all day long it's this pattern over and over. more specifically it's feed, burp, change, clothe, swaddle, cuddle, sleep. sometimes we fit in an outdoor walk or a period of time the what to expect lady calls "quiet wakefulness" - or as i like to call it "The Time I Can Do All The Things." 

it's funny because i like repetitive tasks. when i worked as a server i liked rolling cutlery. when i'm at the gym i like to use the weight machines and do "reps." when i make my stationery, i love creating in bulk. the look and meditative nature of repetition pleases me. but those things have an ultimate goal - i fill the bin with cutlery and go home, i do some thigh crunches and eventually gain muscle, i cut and paste envelopes and when i've created 25 for a custom order, i'm done! but with a baby i have trouble seeing the finish line - because there isn't one. and if there is it's so grandiose and long term i can't really focus on it.

in order not to sound to negative (i'm just working out my feelings ya'll!*) i'm going to share one sweet thing** each time i do a baby post.
the thing: when jackson wakes up, especially in the morning when the sun has come up, and he has slept for just a bit longer than normal, he is sweetness beyond words. i unwrap his swaddle to let out his limbs and he stretches out his whole body in the most adorable way. his face contorts as he yawns and pushes his arms into the air. he's so cute when he does this that i find myself wanting to eat his face. not literally of course, but i want to swallow his cuteness up in such a way that it becomes part of me and i can have it all the time. luckily he's hungry which means he's going to let out a cry anyways - so i use this opportunity to ferciously kiss him all over.

* i'm sorry i just said "ya'll" ya'll
** i can't promise it will only be one thing - he's so cute!

baby | the first week

it's been a week since we became parents and wow - what a ride. and when i say ride, i specifically mean gigantic emotional rollercoaster. 

the first few nights spent with our little sniff were confusing. we didn't understand how to manage his needs and despite all of our prep, when you realize you are suddenly in charge of a miniature human being...well, it's downright terrifying! and when that little bean is screaming and you are blundering your way through changes, feeds and various forms of cuddling, it's really more a game of "let's not kill the baby." so we stayed awake (i use that term very loosely) and took turns trying to care for him. 

on the worse nights, we are getting about three hours of sleep. we do all the things you are supposed to do, and then we rock and soothe, rock and soothe. but still he doesn't comply with our deepest wishes (that he go to sleep).

in the better (quieter) moments, i am so amazed at this beautiful human being that we created. granted i am biased but every part of him is truly perfect. in no particular order i love his nose, his lips, his eyes, his ears and his teeny tiny digits. and the smell! my god the smell. i always thought it was baby products that smelt like that - but it turns out it's the baby!

i look forward to getting to know little jackson more as the days, weeks, months, and years go by. 

pregnancy 1.5 | anxiety

i want to talk about anxiety. mainly because it's a feeling i've been trying to avoid for about a month now (before that i spent eight months just trying to convince myself i was pregnant). i actually had a weird bout of it back in february but it didn't feel related to the impending labour...it felt like more of a general overall anxiety. we were away for a long weekend getaway at the time so maybe i was just subconsciously nervous about being away from home.

when it comes to me + upcoming events, i always put more pressure and emphasis on the waiting then the actual event. dinner parties, job interviews, dentist appointments, exhibition openings...even if it's nothing to be nervous about and my mind is at ease, my body tells me otherwise and i'm always full of butterflies beforehand.

when it comes to pregnancy though, i knew i couldn't let myself be nervous about something for nine whole months. i developed some coping skills (which mainly consist of telling myself to "calm the eff down!") and relaxation techniques (which mainly consist of afternoon naps in the sunshine). nights are pretty scary - i wake up every hour and something about the darkness and the shadows sends my mind reeling but i force myself to wait for morning when 'everything will be fine.'

so with my due date looming, i would say i'm actually doing okay. with every day that passes in which i maintain my sanity, i consider it a grand success.

missed the nursery pics? click here.

love | nine year anniversary

nine years ago today my husband and i had our first real date. we'd had pseudo dates before that - plus a lot of back and forth where he liked me but i was taken, i liked him but he was seeing someone...etc etc for almost two years. so when we made plans for him to come visit me at university on march 18, 2005 it was kind of a last chance scenario. a friend had told me that he had asked about me while i was away at school. i think i sort of knew deep down that if i called him and we weren't able to make a date - that would be it forever. we would have to give up.

we finally agreed that he would make the forty-five minute drive to see me after work on march 18. i was so nervous and giddy and borrowed a green sweater from a girl in my dorm (i never wear green but maybe i was still feeling buzzed from st. patrick's day). i think we watched a movie - we might even have kissed. it's all a bit of a blur now. i remember when i went home that weekend i told my mother that i thought he was it.

and he was. nine years later we are still head over heels in love. we have lived together, moved together, taken our marriage vows and are now expecting our first child - this week!

i love you jon, forever and a day.

pregnancy 1.4 | nursery photographs

sometimes i can't help but think that putting a nursery together is like planning a wedding. it's a lot of work, and it's not inexpensive. and if you were to do it all over again - say with a second marriage or second child, you probably won't go all out the way you did the first time. 

that being said, nesting is a strong instinct and something inside of me was like: you must do this. i must admit when i found out we were having a boy, i wasn't thrilled. not because i won't be happy to have a son, but simply because when it comes to boy names, boy clothes, boy hobbies and little boy decor - i have no imagination! so i knew when i started thinking about this nursery, that it was going to be a little more neutral, and a little less cliche (and hey, a girl can dream that she might still be carrying a girl right?). 

we love love love the way this room turned out. it's the most calming space i've ever known, and it's full of art just like i wanted. even though the little sniff isn't here yet, we both love to sit in this space and enjoy the beautiful light and peaceful atmosphere.

when you enter the room, there's a beautiful rainbow painting by my friend and artist freyja zazu.

a view of the room from the doorway. we thought if we put the crib on the right side, that the baby would be less likely to wake up every time we walk through the hall, or peek inside.

needless to say i went with a very natural colour scheme and focused on white, beige, birch with hints of grey and gold. the birch was a nice compromise because jon loves light coloured wood - for this space it works.

it's kind of a bummer that all the pretty crib accoutrements are no longer recommended - but the simplicity is not only nice, it's safer.

 this is our new favourite spot in the apartment. we take turns rocking in this chair and reading books next to the window. as i mentioned in my last post, rocking chairs and gliders do not come cheap. even the least expensive ones were still two or three hundred dollars and felt very old fashioned. so we spent the same amount on this simple chair and ottoman and we love how it looks and feels. 

i stole the little basket from my parent's cottage and will use it as a moses basket when the sniff is so small.

jon found this six piece print in his mother's garage and fell in love. it's the story of a papa and baby bear and depicts a sweet and silly bedtime routine.

we didn't want the room to feel chaotic but a little colour seemed necessary so we put these books and toys on display on the shelf. in the uppermost right box you can see all of jon's model cars he has built over the years! the blue animals on the bottom shelf include some that jon had when he was little. more detail notes below.

we are so obsessed with this dresser. back in january we weren't even ready to buy anything for this room but the dresser was being discontinued so we snapped it up. it's so cool and mid century modern. even though it's white and might get dirty i'm hoping it will last beyond it's changing table gig and into future years. all of the baby's clothes and linens are in here since jon is bogarting the closet.

i've always wanted to hang a collection of prints like this. i spent a lot of time on etsy picking out a collection of calligraphy and woodland themed images. from left to right:

i'll eat you up | oh baby | my deer | fox | be brave | you are loved | fawn and doe

this last piece on the wall is not a print but a drawing by jessica gowling from nature's my friend. i wanted a special image to commemorate becoming a mother and this matching doe and fawn print is perfect. when we lived in victoria we saw deer often in our neighbourhood and it was always so magical to come across a mother and baby.

jon and i picked out this pillow together (he wanted lots of bears, i wanted lots of deer, lol). i wasn't impressed with society 6, but i love the graphite design by sandra dieckmann.

jon bought these blocks years ago and has been using them to send me on holiday scavenger hunts. it seems an appropriate transition to give them to our son. the mini artworks are by friends amber petersen and mary anne tateishi.

i love this fun and old school take on stuffed animals. the colourful woodblock printed fabric plushies were given to us by our friend alex and created by laura frisk.

one of my favourite details in the nursery is this beautiful vintage bambi lamp painted by my mother in law. it was given to jon's older brother as a gift when he was young and it's so cool to think it's still around and will delight out little one. 

we were so lucky to receive multiple handknitted blankets. the white and blue one is from a sweet elderly client at jon's workplace in victoria. the blue one was created in england by my old university roommate. the grey one above is done in a stunning seed stitch my my friend shawna.

one of my favourite parts of this nursery are these adorable illustrations by the artist i work for, ted harrison. they were developed as part of a sweet little book he wrote about his dog entitled "maggie's magic dream."

the final detail of the nursery is a mobile we made using embroidery hoops. i already had all of the supplies on hand so it was incredibly inexpensive and it looks really modern. jon wouldn't let me put it over the crib though...

item sourcing:
(for artwork sources, see images above)
dresser | bookshelf | rocking chair | crib | floor lamp | trash bin | mobile tutorial | crib and changing pad sheets | shelf boxes and organizers | rug | laundry bin | diaper baskets | nursing pillow | frames: ikea, walmart and home sense

pregnancy 1.1

jon and i are away at the cottage for a little "babymoon" as my best friend calls it. i'm assuming that's like a honeymoon, except you take it before the big event, not after.

death to stock

can we talk about "movement" today? i use the term movement because i think i'm officially past the "kicking" stage (well, mostly). doctors and midwives never really refer to it as kicking anyways. perhaps they have some concerns about pregnant ladies feeling sort of antagonized by the child inside them when one uses a term such as kicking. regardless, the descriptor lives on in the mouths of women, forums and friends.

whatever you call it - i don't think i'm loving it anymore. in fact i'm trying to pinpoint a time frame in which i actually did love the movement. there may have been sporadic moments here and there where i was amazed - still am really. there's no doubt that feeling a baby inside you is an experience to say the least.

and i waited anxiously for it! at the fifteen week mark i started to pause throughout my day and try to feel...something...anything. but alas it wasn't until about twenty weeks that i could feel it, and about twenty-six that i could see it. it took even longer for jon to feel it and see it.
but in so many ways - the anxious wait for "movement" reminds me of so many other things that young women wait/hope for (before realizing of course that said momentous occasion is not nearly as spectacular or enjoyable as we'd hoped).

all of the women on the what to expect baby forums talked about what an incredible experience it was to feel their baby move. many called it a blessing, others said it made them less anxious to know their fetus was happy and healthy. some say it feels like butterflies, still others describe it like popping popcorn. my friend asked me what it felt like and i said "it feels like there is a little human inside me, pushing out with all of his might." it's cool, but also super weird.

but here's my big secret that no one seems to want to talk about - baby kicks hurt! and you know what hurts more? movement! after about six or seven months there isn't enough room for him to actually kick or karate chop so it's relegated to more stretch like movements. which means this little sniff will take his foot (i'm assuming it's a foot?? that's another thing, i really have minimal clues as to what anatomy is where) and push...push...push...outwards. and just for fun he'll hold it there until i literally feel the need to take my hand and push it back in. oh and my favourite is when he takes all his limbs (here i'm certain  it's all unless he has four feet) and presses them all out at once. it makes me think of da vinci's vitruvian man. which, on the upside might mean my son has taken in interest in art! but on the downside it's so completely uncomfortable! when he does it for hours on end i have trouble thinking, talking to people and concentrating on any task at hand.

death to stock

to take the edge off i have four ways of combatting the pain (yes, pain! it hurts people!). sometimes i laugh. it is funny, and at times it is surprising. other times i channel the what to expect woman in my head and say aloud "what a blessing you are little one!" and when jon is around i place his hand in just the right spot and try to imagine it through his eyes. sometimes he laughs and is surprised too.

most of the time i just curl up on the couch and do nothing at all.

musings | lately

after a weekend of not feeling quite up to snuff (fluid retention pain, nausea, lack of energy) this sunny monday feels good. mondays get a lot of flack but you can't deny they offer a sense of renewed energy and fresh outlook. i'm surprised i feel this way because my life is not currently defined by a work week, or even outings of any sort. it won't last long though...i can feel myself getting tired already and i've only been up for a short while!

reading |
kinfolk - the ice cream issue
i picked up a couple back issues of my favourite magazine at a speciality stationery store here in town (also online). it's nice reading about warm summer days and cold summer treats despite the constant blizzard outside. the articles and photographs in kinfolk are always something to savour and i like to read one small article before bed.

the essential guide to breastfeeding

i thought it was important to read this because although it seems like a simple, straight forward process - it's my understanding that it can be quite difficult. while the book definitely has a "breast is best" lean to it, and never once mentioned midwifery care - it's actually quite openminded about all the different ways to go about breastfeeding. this includes supplementary formula feedings, including your husband in the process and how to manage going back to work.

watching |
80's classics. we finally purchased a shelf and unpacked our entire dvd collection (it's possible my husband was more happy during this then when i told him i was pregnant. he really likes his dvd's). so we've been doing it old school this past week and watching classics like the princess bride and the neverending story.

looking forward to |
holding my son and rubbing my cheeks against his. this "looking forward to" is also contrasted by a growing anxiety. but i'm definitely getting more excited about having a baby here and being able to cuddle him and soothe him and touch all of his (sure to be) perfect parts. i've even started to dream about it which is awesome!

tired of |
this pain in my ribs. it's so constant and aggravating! i'm scared it's going to get worse. i find the most consistent things are the most tiring aren't they? evenings are particularly bad and i have to stop what i'm doing often and stretch out to give everything in my stomach cavity more room.
also, i'm tired of being tired. i know this is only going to be worse after the sniff arrives but i'm not joking when i say i wake up at ten am (after nine-ten hours sleep) and go back to bed for a two hour nap at noon. for awhile i thought maybe i was getting too much sleep. but i don't think that's it.

proud of |

the direction my stationery shop is heading in. i'm creating like crazy and hope to have three hundred products listed in the next eight weeks. i've added a lot of products and colours that i like and so i'm hoping other's do as well! i really want to keep the shop open but i need it to be perfect before i can step back a little. some of my favourite new items are these aerogram journaling envelopes.

pregnancy 0.9

i don't have a specific theme to talk about this week in regards to pregnancy so here's another general update. these are the things that are at the top of my mind at thirty one weeks:

mat leave | i had an interview last week, and while i have no idea whether or not i'll get the job, the whole process has definitely started a dialogue about mat leave. instead of just assuming i'll be home for six months to a year (a year! really? no not for me i don't think...) jon and i have debated how fast i can go back to work while still being comfortable with the time i've spent at home. that number varies but we've played with four months, three months and even six weeks! it's so hard to guesstimate this type of thing without the sniff being here. the result of these conversations however is the solidification that jon will take pat leave when i decide i want to go back to work. it's pretty great to be dating a modern man, i'll say that much!

ribcage pain | i put this "symptom" near the top because it's totally the worst. it's also hard to explain: it feels like the baby is actually pressing up on my ribcage (though maybe it's actually my stomach and diaphragm). it makes me wish i was five inches taller and that there was such thing as a ribcage massage (that didn't get immediately awkward wink wink;)

heartburn | i call this heartburn and not acid reflux because that's mostly what it feels like. sometimes i'll eat the tamest of things (mashed potatoes! bread!) and for the rest of the day it buuurns. nothing's happening but my throat sort of feels like it's on fire. thank goodness pregnant women are allowed tums :) and then jon comes home and says "wanna order pizza?" and i say "noooooo dear god noooo!"

nausea | they say this comes back in the third trimester. for the most part it's been pretty consistent for me (and short lived when it does occur). but i did notice over the holidays, and for awhile afterwards that i felt nauseous every single day. this kind of bummed me out when it happened during christmas parties, so i just found a quiet corner or bedroom to sit in until it passed. still no upchucking (knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood!!!) so that's fabulous.

peeing | this is no joke. i'd say i'm on a schedule of every twenty minutes. but worse than that is the urgency. i'll be fine and then all of a sudden i'll just have to go.

movement | i can finally see the little sniff move. i think i was able to feel him move and kick after twenty-two weeks but couldn't really see it until about twenty-eight weeks. that's pretty late on average i think. i have mixed feelings about movement. sometimes it's wonderful and exciting and other times it kind of hurts and feels very strange and foreign.

strangers and friends | i was so prepared from reading blogs and hearing horror stories about strangers and friends feeling like they had the right to touch my tummy and ask me all sorts of personal questions. but surprisingly this has not happened at all. not one tiny bit. everyone i've come in contact with has been incredibly respectful. and honestly? i'm kind of disappointed! i didn't realize i would be proud of the belly and want people to touch it. as for the chit chat, i have some opinions but am also open to advice. plus, there are some things you just want to talk about - personally i prefer genuine conversation over pointless small talk.

patience | one word

in past years i've always made haphazard lists of new years resolutions. and i never put very much effort into sticking with them. in fact, the most resolved i've ever been was during this project (and that started in november. see all my sunday sins here)!

so when i read through other blogs about the "one word" or "word of the year" idea - i was hooked. one word that guides you through the year, redirects your attitude, and helps to center you. i hate to choose something obvious of course, so i spent a whole ten seconds trying to think of a unique and creative word to lead me through 2014. but when i thought about the past year, and what is to come this year, the word "patience" was at the forefront of my mind.

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i know "patience" is also my last name, but that doesn't make its virtue any less pertinent for me. i rushed through 2013 like my tail was on fire. in the beginning of the year i wasn't quite working in my chosen field so i was desperate for time to move forward. i also had a spring trip with my husband planned and was very much looking forward to that. i finally found a gallery job in may, and then of course everything was all about the arts festival and the lead-up to it. following that there was the move to ontario, and of course i'm always so excited for christmas to come as soon as possible.

i'm always looking forward. and when i say "looking forward," i mean more than just "getting excited for..." i'm literally always looking to the future, and often forget about living in the present, or relishing the past (though frankly, the past is a fine line - i'm certain my husband would live in the 90's if he could! a perpetual child...yes that sounds about right). so if you can imagine it, it's kind of like my life is a movie, and i'm just fast-forwarding to all the (perceived) good parts. until my whole year is condensed into just four or five significant events.

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i'm sure than, that you can imagine what it's like for me to be pregnant. nine whole months of sheer anticipation! not that i'm pressing for the delivery to come any sooner than forty weeks - but i kind of feel like my life is on hold until it happens. i have so many questions, and they all relate to "what happens after?" i feel like my movie is on pause and will resume in the spring. 

except of course, i can't actually visualize anything after. who will i be as a person? what will i be like as a mother? when can i go back to work again? because even though my life hits "play" after the baby is born, i imagine it as that kind of accidental slow motion. where i meant to hit play but it's not quite moving like normal. normal, the "real play mode" for me happens when i can resume my career. i'm not sure exactly what that says about me. 

so clearly, i need a little (or a lot) of patience. now more than ever! i need to slow down, and remember that a year does not consist of five events - but rather 365 days. everything will happen in due time, including giving birth, learning how to take care of a child, and finding my dream job. and course, christmas will come again too, as it does every year ;) i need to learn to embrace the present moment, and live in it as if i want to be there. because i did choose it - all of it. 

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