musings | a sense of self

a month ago i worried about how i would feel today. not today specifically, but i worried about this general time period. i was anxious about how i would feel after a summer filled with inspiration, stimulation and general busy-ness. i touched on the subject here and here but i can't stop thinking about it so i thought i would delve into it a bit more.

a month ago, i wondered if i would find a job in october, and if i didn't - could i be happy at home each day? i find it ironic that this was a concern at all because two months ago i dreamt of the days in september when the arts festival was over, and i could reclaim some of my personal time to do luxurious things like house cleaning, crafting and napping (of course nothing turns out how you want it to - i was pretty ill in late september).

what i am particularly anxious about is losing my sense of self. a huge part of who i am is in the kind of work that i do. i've taken great pains in the last ten years to ensure that i am constantly surrounded with what i love most - the arts. whether through my education, my career or my volunteer work i've been lucky to learn about and work with art and artists.

but now, in this new place, and with my recent arts positions ended...i am at a bit of a loss. who am i now if i'm not working in the arts? who am i if i sit at home all day and wonder how long i can put off doing the dishes? (all the while feeling guilty because isn't that my only job now?). yes, growing a human life is interesting and sometimes challenging, but as far as i can tell it doesn't take up every waking moment. i feel as though my life is on pause - but for how long?? until i give birth? until i find a job? until my child is a toddler?

so in the meantime i'm trying to motivate myself to concentrate on the things i do have. i'm still selling prints for the wonderful ted harrison. i'm still making stationery and encouraging letter writing. and i'm still on the board of directors for the integrate arts festival and i've had some new and interesting ideas regarding that.