musings | anonymity & small talk

a precusor: aha! i totally get it now. i understand why people with full time jobs...or jobs that seem to slip past regular hours do not have time for a blog. work has been so busy lately!


here's something i know about myself: i like to be anonymous. i love to move about the city i live in without running into anyone i know. i like to be who i am, and act based on my mood, not how my mother's friend's daughter's best friend expects me to act during a run in.

i have a very strange fear of small talk. i'm certainly getting better at it, but ever since i was a teen i've never known exactly how to talk about 'nothing' with strangers or acquaintances. i do awkward things where i inadvertently start to back away, say "i'll let you go now" or totally over share personal information. i know that these little conversations should stay upbeat and impersonal but i don't get why. what's the point in talking with someone if you're going to lie? when someone asks me how i am, i like to really ponder for a moment before answering: "i'm doing really great" or "not so well today thanks" or even "i'm having a terrible day but i appreciate you asking."

when i'm in the grocery line up (etc) i just want to be alone with my thoughts and wonder if i brought enough canvas totes. i don't feel like having a conversation with the person behind me just because we sort of know each other.

i think this is coming across as mean, but i don't intend to sound unfriendly! i'm just a natural homebody and so when i'm heading to a social outing i kind of have to psych myself up for it. when i'm not ...then i'm caught off guard and almost never know what to say.

but seriously - what do i say??

here's the one catch - work. when i'm at my place of employment i have absolutely no problem chatting with strangers or aquaintances. maybe because it's part of my job - and has been ever since i started working. and i can tell you exactly why - and it's the same reason that i hate talking to people i run into in the streets: because i feel like i'm holding them up. i'm convinced that they don't want to be in this conversation either. that wherever it was they were headed, it's definitely more important than listening to me natter on about the weather. i don't even want to hear myself talk about the weather! but when i'm at work i'm supposed to be there - and if people want to small talk there, that's cool because i can't leave and they can anytime they want. whew...pressure's off.