baby | letter march 05.15

My aunt told me about this idea, where you set up an email account for your child, and write them letters through-out the years. An inbox full of letters from your mother would be an excellent gift for a teenage boy right?

Dear Jack,

All my life I have waited to feel the way I imagined the next stage of life might feel. When I turned thirteen I waited to feel like a teenager. When hit my twenties, I waited to feel like a woman. When I married your father I waited to feel like a wife. But through all of those milestones, I just kept feeling like me.

But when you were born, the most amazing thing happened. I started to feel like a mother. Don't get me wrong, I didn't know exactly what to do all the time, and mostly I still feel like myself (with a son). But I find myself experiencing an endless series of moments which cement the new addition to my identity.

When I held newborn you in my arms, I bounced bounced bounced instinctively. When I push you in the stroller I rock you back and forth, back and forth, back and forth at a red light.

When your hands are dirty I hold your wrist and pry open your hands with a cloth to clean inside your palm. When you learned to walk I held your little hand and walked at your pace.

With every bounce, rock and wipe, I get the the strangest sense of deja vu. Perhaps because all of these actions are something I've seen endless times before - in real life, on television...but it wasn't until I did them myself that I felt like a mother.


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