perhaps you've noticed that there are almost no photos of me on this blog? there used to be - back when i was okay with my weight - or at least had it under control. i think the last pictures of my body that i posted were from my wedding - but the combination of my voluminous dress and amazing photographers made for some very fetching* images. i hate all pictures of myself now.
i've struggled with my weight for a very long time. i remember when i was a teenager, my mother suggested i get a gym pass. in retrospect, i think she just wanted me to be active - but i took it to mean she thought i was over weight. i don't think she ever said one bad thing about my body (she's just incredibly athletic), but it's amazing the things a young girl can invent in her own mind. especially when it comes to how she looks.
in my undergrad university years too - i remember some days i would go to the gym in the evening - and then go again at eleven pm (because it was on campus, and it was open late). i would come home, jump on the scale and be so disappointed to see that i still weighed 140 lbs. can you imagine?? i would kill now to weight 140 lbs. i would fall to my knees and thank the weight gods for letting me remain so slim. but i didn't know...
in my graduate years, i joined weight watchers. i did really well. then i stopped trying and ended up back where i was in the beginning - isn't that the stereotype of dieting anyhow? i should have known. who am i kidding? i did know - but it didn't change anything.
i didn't have the body i wanted for our wedding - it rendered a slight disappointment in the back of my mind, but i put it out of my head because i knew it wasn't something i should focus on. what i mean is, i wasn't strong enough to do anything about it months before the big day - so i ignored the problem instead.
a few days before the wedding, i went with my mother to my final dress fitting. i felt sick and nauseated. i was convinced that my dress wouldn't fit. and i didn't know what would be worse - to have such an expensive garment not fit me, or to have my mother witness that it didn't. it fit, but i was so dizzy from the stress of it all that i almost fainted and had to sit down for awhile.
i have a closet full of the most gorgeous, unique dresses. approximately fifty in total - and only about ten of them fit me. this is perhaps the saddest part of it all!
i now weigh more than i ever have in my life. i'm nearing a very frightening number and i can't stop thinking about it. i can't afford to do any sort of regimented pay by the week/month/year program. nor can i afford a gym membership. so if i want to do something about this, it's going to take some good old fashioned hard work, healthy eating, and exercise.
i'm so frightened to post this. best case scenario it will mean i have to be stronger than i have ever been and actually make a change. worst case scenario - i fail and you'll all know about it.
i'm not going to write about this again in such detail. but every week i'm going to post a number at the bottom of my blog posts. here's hoping it descends.