musings | weight

i've never written this post, and i had never really planned to. but generally when something is on your mind twenty-four/seven - it's hard not to let it affect all aspects of your life - including blogging. there will be no accompanying photograph for this post - i apologize.

perhaps you've noticed that there are almost no photos of me on this blog? there used to be - back when i was okay with my weight - or at least had it under control. i think the last pictures of my body that i posted were from my wedding - but the combination of my voluminous dress and amazing photographers made for some very fetching* images. i hate all pictures of myself now.

i've struggled with my weight for a very long time. i remember when i was a teenager, my mother suggested i get a gym pass. in retrospect, i think she just wanted me to be active - but i took it to mean she thought i was over weight. i don't think she ever said one bad thing about my body (she's just incredibly athletic), but it's amazing the things a young girl can invent in her own mind. especially when it comes to how she looks.

in my undergrad university years too - i remember some days i would go to the gym in the evening - and then go again at eleven pm (because it was on campus, and it was open late). i would come home, jump on the scale and be so disappointed to see that i still weighed 140 lbs. can you imagine?? i would kill now to weight 140 lbs. i would fall to my knees and thank the weight gods for letting me remain so slim. but i didn't know...

in my graduate years, i joined weight watchers. i did really well. then i stopped trying and ended up back where i was in the beginning - isn't that the stereotype of dieting anyhow? i should have known. who am i kidding? i did know - but it didn't change anything.

i didn't have the body i wanted for our wedding - it rendered a slight disappointment in the back of my mind, but i put it out of my head because i knew it wasn't something i should focus on. what i mean is, i wasn't strong enough to do anything about it months before the big day - so i ignored the problem instead.

a few days before the wedding, i went with my mother to my final dress fitting. i felt sick and nauseated. i was convinced that my dress wouldn't fit. and i didn't know what would be worse - to have such an expensive garment not fit me, or to have my mother witness that it didn't. it fit, but i was so dizzy from the stress of it all that i almost fainted and had to sit down for awhile.

i have a closet full of the most gorgeous, unique dresses. approximately fifty in total - and only about ten of them fit me. this is perhaps the saddest part of it all!

i now weigh more than i ever have in my life. i'm nearing a very frightening number and i can't stop thinking about it. i can't afford to do any sort of regimented pay by the week/month/year program. nor can i afford a gym membership. so if i want to do something about this, it's going to take some good old fashioned hard work, healthy eating, and exercise.

i'm so frightened to post this. best case scenario it will mean i have to be stronger than i have ever been and actually make a change. worst case scenario - i fail and you'll all know about it.

i'm not going to write about this again in such detail. but every week i'm going to post a number at the bottom of my blog posts. here's hoping it descends.



  1. I feel your pain with this one on both Moms and current weight being the highest it has ever been.

    I actually had to get a photo taken because I needed it for a blog feature - just a few weeks ago. WOW - that was hard. I had not taken a photo of myself in years for the same reason you are describing.

    My hubby loves me no matter what so that is great. Basically we talked about it and he said that I either need to accept myself at this weight so that I didn't keep hoping to change or change.

    Right now I have WAY too much on my plate to start some crazy exercise routine so I am accepting myself as I am. I packed up all of my skinny clothes and they are now in the basement. At least they are not staring at me everyday.

    I guess I wanted to post this so that you knew you were not alone. Can't really offer that much help but you are not alone.


  2. You are very brave to post this and I applaud your honesty. I think I know exactly how you feel, having struggled with many of the same issues myself.

    Eating healthily and exercising are always going to be good things, but I do wonder whether a good first step might also be to try to learn to love your body as it is, in whatever shape it's in?

    I hope you don't mind me offering this suggestion - obviously these are very personal and delicate issues. I'm going to write from my own personal perspective and maybe there will be things there that you connect with.

    It's just that this month I've been inspired by reading Amy's 'self love revolution' on the A is for & blog (e.g. this post) and it is making me think a little differently about my body issues.

    While being locked into cycles of unhealthy eating surely must be negative, in my own personal case I'm not sure that dieting and aiming to lose weight is the right way out of it. I just have this feeling that the two things (the hating of my body and the unhealthy eating) are actually part of one and the same problem, and that the only path to taking better care of myself is actually to start accepting and loving myself as I am.

    So many diets have failed, and just made things worse! I would like to find a more permanent solution and for me that means starting from a completely different angle.

    I also found this post on the Nearsighted Owl blog very interesting. I love Rachele's style and confidence and her outfit posts always open my eyes to more diverse possibilities of beauty and style.

    Thanks again for your courage, openness and honesty in sharing your personal struggles in an area that so many women - of all shapes and sizes - battle with on a daily basis.

  3. What a brave post - best of luck to you!

  4. I envy your courage! I feel the same way about myself and I know I really have to o something. It's just so hard! Let's do this together!!
    Hugs xxx

  5. Anonymous14.2.12

    Hi, I understand perfectly and I'm with you, I have the same problem and have now begun to change, be strong and you will get, it's sad but many people do not understand it, but who will love you well and that is all that should you care, be happy: forgive my English because I can not speak properly. xoxo

  6. Anonymous14.2.12

    I commend you with your honesty. You are not alone and I believe that many of us do empathize with you.

    The key to achieving your goal is commitment,and putting time in front of you. The commitment is in each meal of every day ~ one day at a time. Take baby steps in making healthy choices. It is an investment you are making in yourself. Slowly illuminate the temptations in your kitchen and replace them with lower glycemic foods and foods that heal as opposed to foods that cause stress and inflammation.

    Be patient. It is a very slow process and it is why many give up. Wake up a little early, start with a 5 min walk outside for a week, then a 7 min walk and 'gradually' increase it. And pat yourself on the back every day. As you get stronger change it up, keep it interesting and challenging. There is so much you can do without going to the gym.

    Don't be too hard on yourself especially when you fall down. Get back up quickly and move forward without the guilt. Hang your most favourite dress where you spend a lot of your time ~ make it a fun healthy challenge.

    Lastly, the scale, it can make or break you. Be careful! Weigh yourself 'less' often. Your clothes will be your best motivator.

    Best of luck
    P.S. Dr. Weil has a great food pyramid worth taking a look at.

  7. You really don't need a pay-by-the-week thing, or a gym membership. You honestly don't. I used to be quite heavy, but I just spent the last entire year working on losing it, and as a result, my BMI is finally ideal, though I'm not a stick and still not entirely content, but I'm getting there. All I've done is cut down on eating junk - you can't cut it out entirely, otherwise if you get a taste of it again you're likely to eat lots of it, even if you think you won't - and increased eating healthier things. I've not actually cut down on my eating at all, I've just replaced some things with other things. I also bought a £3 exercise DVD, which I've been using for the last few months which is lots of fun, I bought a £15 aerobics step which I used for about 5 months while watching movies at the same time, and that took off a lot of weight, and I also got a Wii and used Wii Fit Plus - this was how I started, and it showed me what my BMI really was - though you can easily work it out with an online converter - and helped me keep track of it, along with showing me lots of different exercises I could do. And the best part about the step and the Wii was that they were one-time payments - and despite how good the Wii is, I honestly choose my step over it any day.

    All you can really do is -do- something. Don't sit around saying "I'll do it on Monday at the start of the week" or anything like that, do it the very next moment you can. The longer you sit there putting it off, the higher the pedestal it's on, and then the further you fall when you faulter - and everyone faulters in the beginning. If you just do it right away, when you fall off, it's so much easier to pick yourself back up. I used to dread doing my exercise every day, I truly did. After so long now, I can't imagine not doing it. I dropped a few clothes sizes and I'm so happy, I have more energy now and though my confidence still isn't as high as it could be, I'm a little more comfortable.

    Just keep reminding yourself that losing weight really isn't that hard a thing. What makes it hard is thinking that it's a huge sacrifice or that it -is- hard. Take it for what it really is: moving to a consistant rhythm (exercising) for a set amount of time, and eating a few more green things instead of a few sugary things. Also, not all chocolate is bad for you. Dark chocolate is very good for your skin, and, in the right quanitites, can help weight loss, as can plain greek yoghurt. They might not taste as nice as milk chocolate or strawberry yoghurt, but studies have shown that, the yoghurt at least, helps weight loss. As does green tea. Try and see it as a new experience to try foods you've never had before! I'd never had green tea or greek yoghurt before. And if you choose to have salads, you don't have to have them plain, but salad cream can be deadly. Try to find low-cal dressings. I'm fond of soy sauce, so I use a teaspoon of salt-reduced soy sauce, add about 3 or 4 tablespoons of water to massively water it down and make it go further, and it works just fine for me.

    I'll end the wall of text there, but I hope it helps, and I also hope you find the determination to do it. I understand I upset you, as well, but the shop's closed now - I know that doesn't change anything, but I still want to be your friend, and help you where I can :( ♥ sorry again.

  8. kaitlyn, heart you and your honesty.

    i'm in the same boat lovey. want to have a "play" date every week together? we can go speed walking or a hike or something. we can call each other if we're buying more than one chocolate bar a week. we can even text each other periodically through out the day and send happy feel good, encouraging messages.

    that being said, i think we BOTH need to step off the scale and start stepping into just feeling good. exercise. eat well. lots of veggies. and cut back portions and late night snacking. if we move and eat in a way that nourishes us, we'll get healthier, build some good muscle (important!) and lose fat in the process. Let's get strong sugar love!

  9. I can sympathisize with this post! As you know I recently got married as well. Every word you have posted is exactly the same for me.

    When it came to the wedding i was trying to lose some weight and was stressing about it when some people of my bridal party so kindly pointed out that he loves me the way I am no matter what.

    He may love me the way I am but I do not love me the way I am. I have been on weight watcher for 20 weeks. I am not having much success losing... But I have not gained.

    If WW worked for you in the past try sparkpeople.com apparently it is free and VERY similar to WW.

    Best of luck on your journey Patience.

    Jen G from Kitchener

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  10. I've been there, and i'm proof the number does go back down! Maybe not as low as you'd like but I'm more accepting of myself now. I know you work a bazillion jobs, but if you have one consistent chunk of time off per week, maybe an energy exchange at a yoga studio like I did might be an affordable option to getting more active- you do one cleaning (or maybe even reception) shift a week and get free yoga. I know you're super busy so not sure if that;s even a possibility! Check out Eoin Finn on iTunes, he has free yoga podcasts too. I know you can do it! And if you can't- so what! We love you anyways.

  11. I'm speechless because you took the words right out of my head and just put them out there - something Iam not brave enough to do. That number will go down because you are not hiding from it anymore. Good luck : )

  12. I saw the title of your post, and knew I had to read. I have been struggling with my weight since having children. You are right: when you are not happy with your body, it is like your mind doesn't get a break from it. I too, have a super athletic mother, and never followed that passion. I would rather be blogging, or creating. In fact, the greatest portion of my hobbies involve sitting.

    I relate sooo much to your post, and encourage you to be faithful in your journey!! Fist pumps to you, girl!!! xoxo

  13. I love you and I am here to support you in any way I can. Hopefully having the support and encouragement of all the people around you who love you is going to be a step in the right direction. You know where I am if there is anything I can help you with. I am so proud of your this post and admire you honesty. xoxo

  14. Anonymous15.2.12

    I can relate to how you feel. I gained weight since my undergrad days as well. It's a much quicker process to watch the numbers go up than for them to go down. I commend you for taking the long and hard way.

    Stick with it; slow, sustainable changes will be the key to your goals. Every little bit counts. I focus on my health and am having success. Also, the number is a goal, something to keep me in line, but beauty is not a number. Good luck.

  15. Good luck, Kaitlyn, and good on you for putting it out there. I think there's something real about sharing something like this on your blog.

    I think your fortnightly sacrifices are a really positive step to help you and was thinking of trying them myself - have you found that it's been easy to reduce those things from your life even after the two weeks are over? How's the no-dessert thing going? I need to cut a lot of those things out of my life and have been inspired by your commitment.

  16. I read your blog almost daily but I rarely comment. However, this time I felt compelled to. Honey, you and I are in the same boat. I just passed that frightening number about 4 pounds ago. I cried for over an hour. Thanks you for sharing your feelings about this. I know it must have been hard. I completely understand how you feel and what you're going through. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. The fact that you put this out there for the world to see is amazing. Your words have helped me to feel a little stronger and more able to conquer my demons than I did yesterday. Thank you for sharing. If you can do it, maybe I can too.

  17. It was so brave of you to write this! I am so impressed! You can do it! I believe in you. The internet can be a blessing and a curse when it comes to being healthy, but have you read Can You Stay for Dinner? Her story is so inspiring, and she posts healthy recipes too! I highly recommend it :)


  18. this is such an inspiring post. i recently started in a same direction. during my high school years, i weight about the same as you did; i'm 5ft10in and weight about 141. i was in a gym class and had to weight myself with a partner every day and track my weight and i was so embarrassed to have to let this girl see my weight. i would die to weight that much again.

    about a year and a half ago - i reached my max weight of 190 and that's when it hit me. i need to do something to take control of this. so i started eating better, etc and now am about 15lbs away from my goal weight for my wedding in april.

    do it. that's all i can say. you just have to start. one foot in front of the other. you can make it happen. i'll cheer you on!

    good luck!



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