thoughts on | stress

stress. i love it. i mean that! i love endless to do lists -  i love adding to them as much as i enjoy crossing things off of them. i don't mind when things are due the next day because it gets me moving, and gets my heart pumping. i feel alive - and not in that dangerous "i'm going sky-diving" way. just in a simple, "i'm human and i thrive on tasks, results and future events" kind of way.

there's downsides of course.

downside one | i don't like stress that makes me cry. i'm talking: about to fail grade nine math, interview so important you want to toss your cookies, or up at four am footnoting a twenty page essay. i don't like the feelings that those type of situations come with. but i do like to have a purpose.

downside two | sometimes i create things for myself to do and i don't even realize that they aren't priority. they are simple extra things that i do to pass time or go the extra mile. this causes me to make things more important then they actually are. let's say my husband wants to go for a walk or see a movie. i say i can't because i'm just too busy. but am i really? are the things i'm doing literally on a deadline or did i invent it myself?

downside three | moving through life like this has given me a case of multi-task-itis. so you are probably imagining me talking on the phone while ironing...or sending an email while riding the bus. nope - my disease is a little more serious than that. i will literally be sitting on the couch,* watching television,** reading a blog update,*** cutting out an envelope template,**** talking to j.***** and intermittently i will just pick up my phone and play a thirty second game of tetris.****** oh, and i'm likely eating something throughout all of this. what is that??? i have no idea while i feel the need to do all of these things at once. partly because if i only do one, or two, or three, i'll feel like i'm not getting enough done. and partly i suspect i've developed some form of add in which i can not longer concentrate on one activity at a time.

i should probably tone it down. learn how to do one thing at once. enjoy life. relax. when i think of the three days after our wedding, when j and i went up to my parents cottage, it feels like heaven. we didn't do anything, and we didn't have to. time was irrelevant and we were sad to go. but i don't know how to get that feeling back - and i'm not sure i want to! when we went to hawaii a month later, i brought my lap top and i did a lot more than just lounge by the pool.

stress is kind of like a a drug. it's a motivator and it keeps me feeling high energy. so i don't have to give it up do i?

* sitting/relaxing on the couch. that is something people do all by itself so it counts as an activity.
** watching television is another activity people do solely by itself.
*** yup, another activity that doesn't need accompaniment
**** something that really should be done with one's whole attention
***** another activity.
****** you get the gist.