when he yawns, i lean over him in the hope that he will expel his sweet milky breath onto my face. i watch his his tongue while he inhales, his mouth a perfect little "O." he luxuriates in this inhalation, sometimes expanding it to one, two, three inward breaths. and then, mid-yawn, he decides he's finished, and his lips clamp suddenly shut into the most adorable straight line. and if i lean far enough, and listen closely, i can hear a sweet little sigh.
when wear him or hold him, i must bury my nose into his head. his fine little hairs tickle the inside of my nose but i don't even care. the smell of him is so intoxicating i find myself going back immediately for more. for a short time after he was born, he had the most beautiful scent. when i was younger, i always associated that smell with baby clothes, and johnson & johnson lotion. but as it turns out, those companies took their inspiration from the baby, not vice versa. nowadays, he smells different, but in the most delicious way. it's like a perfect combination of me and his papa, plus something very much his own. when i press my nose against him, i imagine it's somewhat like mainlining a drug.
sometimes he gets this look, and i just know he's about to sneeze. this baby is always moving and fidgeting - go go go! but when he's about to sneeze, he becomes very still all of a sudden. his eyes start to squint, his lips pucker out...and then BAM! his whole life force goes into making what is really quite a small explosion. it's not even a modicum of what an adult can do but it's so glorious i feel the need to repeat it back to him - to tell him what he's done in borderline psychotic shouts "achoo! achoo! you sneezed, achoo!"
at different points throughout the day, this baby is full of immense energy. he coos like crazy, flails about and seems very very awake. he'll keep on like this for ten, twenty minutes and then all is silent. i turn to him and there he is, totally conked out in his bed, the car, the floor, the couch.
he has these thin summer sleepers. we bought them to account for the heat of the season. they act like a second, smooth cotton skin and i love to feel him in them. the cuddles are somehow better and i want to squeeze every limb all at once. though it's only a thin layer of fabric, it blocks the intense heat we create together when skin to skin.
when he nurses, he looks up at me (like a precious moments boy). his eyelashes flutter upwards and he stares at me unblinking for the longest time. just as when he coos relentlessly, i want to know what it means. what is he thinking? what is he feeling? what is he trying to tell me?? but i settle for this small connection that says we are both content in this moment. and he resumes the busy work of filling his tiny tummy.