me | doctor's note

oh hello there! long time no chat. well you see, i had my wisdom teeth out a week ago and have spent my days (somewhat) comfortably curled up on the couch watching endless episodes of "life unexpected" while my doting husband waited on me hand and foot. ahh life is good.

ok, those are half truths because ew, no one should have to have four giant teeth ripped out of their mouth. though, as far as anesthesiologists go...i'm am their newest and biggest fan! and so, before i get back to my scheduled programming, i thought i would include some recent correspondence between myself and my father regarding this recent tooth extraction experience. it may be explanatory to know that my pops currently works in insurance. there are life lessons to be had here folks...so read on!

-----original Message-----
from: kaitlyn patience [mailto: kaitlyn@isavirtue.net]
to: brian patience; patricia patience
subject: tooth fairy?

every morning i look and look but i just can't find my reward! i throw the pillows off the bed, gently check under the sheets and even look on the floor just in case. but there is never anything there!

i have to admit... the only reason i agreed to have my wisdom teeth out was for the haul i thought it would bring in from the tooth fairy!! i thought... these are my biggest and strongest teeth - and they even make me smarter! goodness knows the dentists and the tooth fairy have been trying to get their greedy paws on those babies for years!

so i finally caved... but now, with a week gone by and no moula under my pillow, i'm starting to get concerned. in fact - i feel a bit cheated!

as proponents and perpetuators of tooth fairy knowledge - do you guys know what's going on? is there something you're not telling me??

love,
your mystified daughter.


from: brian patience
to: me, patricia
subject: re: tooth fairy?

darlin'

yes indeed i do..... allow me to enlighten you!

firstly, wisdom teeth are by no means the biggest or strongest teeth. they come in later in life and go out just as quick as they came in, so they are definitely not there for the long haul.

as for the wisdom they hold, that wisdom relates to the need to know enough to have them out as they are most definitely brash and bully molars who always crowd and complicate all the other teeth in the neighbourhood. they barge in, tearing up the gum landscape, destroying what was for the most part, a peaceful street and rows of teeth who all typically mind their own business and get along with all the other teeth demographics on the street (molars, eye teeth, bicuspids etc) until the brash, obnoxious and bigger than life wisdom teeth move into the neighbourhood throwing their ever increasing weight around and finally encroaching and tearing up pristine gum real estate. they almost always devalue all the other teeth on the street and eventually they become a decaying and rotting slum that must be removed as soon as possible. at this time, things then most always go back to normal on the teeth street.

to address your final query, the tooth fairy!

when we were younger, she was full of vim and vigour and always there for moral and financial support at the loss of anyone on teeth street. But like all things, she has grown tired and wearisome of her task in life and as rumour has it, she has now packed it in some years ago and resides in a long term nursing facility for fairy's suffering from chronic wing pain, dementia and without questions, poor vision due to years of exposure to plaque and receding gum lines. she is broken, feeble and financially ruined from decades of handing out endless amounts of coins to children everywhere. along with a poor economy and bad investments, she now is on her last wings wasting away. unfortunately, due to her years of constant visits to bedrooms and a hectic night life and scheduling, she never had time for a social life and the poor girl never met or married a man and she missed the opportunity to have a family, so she has no one to carry on her good work and the tooth fairy is no more!

sad but true!

i hope this helps in your need to query why no reward exists day after day for you and hopefully this information ceases your daily quest for a little loose change.

but if this helps, the tooth fairy does send her best wishes for a healthy dental future for young adults everywhere.

god bless!
papa